


It's not easy, but it's necessary

by Pebblesong7



Series: Bad things happen bingo [5]
Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: Bad Things Happen Bingo, Blood and Injury, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Depression, Hospitals, Hurt Jay Halstead, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Moral Ambiguity, References to Depression, Self-Destruction, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 15:01:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29902869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pebblesong7/pseuds/Pebblesong7
Summary: Jay Halstead enters a depressive episode and does roughly as well as you would expect.
Relationships: Jay Halstead & Hailey Upton, Jay Halstead & Will Halstead
Series: Bad things happen bingo [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2184204
Comments: 3
Kudos: 21





	It's not easy, but it's necessary

**Author's Note:**

> This story is written from Jay's perspective whilst he is suffering from depression, a lot of the thoughts he has about himself are influenced by this and should not be seen as genuine. There are mentions of suicide and suicidal ideation in this chapter, if this is bad for you please do not read this. Take care of yourself, people want to help.

Jay had felt empty since he woke up. The apartment he shared with Will seemed oddly empty, despite nothing having changed. The television was on, but Jay couldn’t make himself focus so he turned down the volume. The background noise was soothing.

The case at the start of the week had been a hard one. One of Hailey’s CI’s had made a call in, mentioning that his brother, Mark Drew, had been acting strangely after his wife was reported dead a week prior. When they got to the scene Mark had been on edge and unresponsive. Initially they were concerned that he was the one who killed her but upon seeing him in person Jay knew that it couldn’t be true. 

He wished he had done more when Mark pulled out a gun and aimed it at himself. 

Cases like that were always hardest, for a while Jay had only been able to stare at the body, despite Hailey’s efforts to get his attention. They had reported back to the unit as soon as the medics arrived and in a moment of sympathy Voight let them head home. Since then, Jay had not been himself. 

He knew the signs of depression well, it wasn’t his first ride on this rollercoaster. It didn’t make it any easier. He hoped that if he ignored it, if he didn’t tell anyone what was going on, it would eventually desist and things could go back to normal. Of course it was never so simple. 

His stomach cramped slightly, reminding him that he hadn't eaten anything today, but he couldn’t bring himself to leave the couch. He had woken up late, and the idea of trying to go to work, trying to deal with all of them, was just too much, so he called in sick. Platt had sounded unconvinced on the phone but to his relief she didn’t say anything. After that, he had dragged himself to the couch and been there ever since. Tears brimmed in his eyes as guilt burned in his gut. How could he call himself a detective when he couldn’t even be bothered to go to work?

Despite the guilt, he couldn’t bring himself to care about his work. He knew it was important, and he knew that he used to care, but lately he just felt… empty. He didn’t care about anything lately, and he hated himself for that. It wasn’t like the team wasn’t trying, they asked him every day if he wanted to go get drinks or watch the football, but he couldn’t get over his own hurdles. 

The sound of a door opening across the hall drew his attention, and for a heartbeat he panicked that Will might be back from work early, before he recalled his neighbour having told him yesterday that he needed to go to the shops. 

The fatigue was nothing new, in fact he daresay it was normal. His throat felt dry and he felt like he needed to clean himself up in the bathroom, but it was so much easier to stay where he was. With nothing else to do, he drew the thin blanket over himself and went to sleep. 

Jay was jolted awake by the sound of keys going into the door. The noise startled him before he realised where he was. He calmed for a moment before realising that this was a much bigger problem. 

He didn’t look up from where he was on the couch, just staring at the ceiling. He heard Will’s footsteps falter, and the apartment descended into silence. He felt another wave of guilt, of course he would be so worthless as to sleep for Will’s entire shift. 

“Jay? Have you been here the whole day?” Jay didn’t have the energy to speak so he made a faint affirmative noise. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Will looking at him with disapproval. He always thought that his father was the master of the ‘what the hell are you doing’ look but it seemed to have been inherited. Will let out a sigh. “Jay… i’m here for you, you know that right?” Another agreeable huff. “Jay talk to me.” The apathy very quickly changed to anger, but Jay forced himself to hold back. 

The irritability was possibly the hardest part of all this to deal with, or perhaps it was the inability to do something as basic as going to work. It was hard to say at this point. 

“Jay!” Will demanded. The tight string inside Jay snapped and he swung his legs over the edge of the couch, standing up rapidly to storm off. His vision went dark and he was off balanced for a heartbeat before it returned. He must have been hungrier than he thought. Will tried to reach out for him but in a moment of frustration Jay smacked his hand away. The feeling was instantly replaced with guilt again, but he felt tears beginning to prickle in the back of his eyes again and he fled to his room before he could be more humiliated. 

Slamming the door behind him, Jay pressed his spine against the cool wood and slid down to the floor. He felt so alone, but he couldn’t do anything about it. The tears finally succeeded in forcing their way out, and to his relief the sound of the television turning back up indicated his brother had given up. 

When he was at last able to brush the tears away he flopped onto the bed and almost mustered the energy to pull the covers over himself. Perhaps if he went to bed now he would feel better later?

Fate was not on his side however, and try as he might he couldn’t do anything other than lie there limply, staring vacantly at the void. A heavy weight was pressing down on his chest, and it kept getting bigger and bigger. In his mind, he always pictured it as some kind of spiky black insect with hooked claws that dug into his chest and refused to leave. Sometimes it would loosen its grip but it was never truly gone. Frustrated and guilty he grabbed his phone, ignoring all the notifications to instead turn on the music. It didn’t make anything better. 

The feeling kept building until he was sure that it would somehow force its way into the world, leaving him, its unwilling host, as a carcass. A dark, and steadily growing part of him almost wished it would. His chest felt tight, and it was getting bigger and bigger and-

A knock on the door.   
“What?” Jay was surprised by how raspy his voice was, but he supposed it made sense. He hasn't drank anything or spoke since this morning. He coughed, and repeated himself.   
“Jay? I made dinner. Do you want some?” His brother's voice was hesitant and concerned, and would you look at that the guilt was back. Jay was tempted, but then he realised he would have to go out into the kitchen. His stomach burned.   
“I'm alright thanks, I ate earlier.”  
“What did you have?” Jay rolled his eyes.   
“It doesn’t matter, just… don’t worry.” Will didn’t respond, but his footsteps faded as he walked away. 

The minor social interaction had done its job, Jay was back to his normal state of exhaustion, and within minutes he was able to fall asleep. It was preferable to the waking world. 

The next time he woke up it was dark. Rolling over he checked the alarm clock on his desk, and was pleasantly surprised to see that there was a glass of water next to it. His parched throat was relieved. The clock read 06:47. Jay wanted to melt into the bed, he would need to be up in 13 minutes. 

He lay in denial until his alarm finally began to beep. Slamming his hand on the snooze button he tried to ignore the world. He stared blankly at the clock, watching the time tick by. Eventually he was forced into motion by his phone ringing. Begrudgingly he answered.   
“Hello?”  
“Hey Jay,” Hailey’s bright voice rang out. “We missed you yesterday. You feeling better?” Despite himself Jay let out a chuff of laughter.   
“You missed me? I’m touched.”  
“Don't flatter yourself, you would want literally anyone if you had to deal with Adam and Kim being all lovey dovey.”  
“Well in that case I might just be ill today too.” He could practically see Hailey rolling her eyes.   
“Just get in here, I'll see you in a bit.”

With that, Jay knew he couldn’t get out of it again. As humanly as he could manage he crawled his way from room to room as he got ready. Will’s room was empty, he must have already left for work. By the time he was ready to leave, he saw on the clock that he was going to be 30 minutes late. That's just fantastic. 

One irritable and exhausting drive later where Jay was honestly considering driving off a bridge, he was at the precinct. 

“Good to see you back on your feet Jay.” Platt spoke with her usual snark, but there was a glimmer of something that Jay couldn’t quite identify in her eye.   
“Oh uh, thanks.”   
“Sign this.” He grabbed a pen and ignored her prying eyes as he signed the papers.   
“So what was it?”   
“What was what?”  
“You were ill yesterday.” She stared at him like he had grown another head.   
“Oh right, yeah it must have been a bug or something. I’m fine now.” He didn’t meet her eyes again as he vanished up the stairs.

When he got up the stairs, he got a few pleasant greetings from his workmates before it was back to work. 

\--- ---

Several hours into their shift, Jay was considering faking being ill again. The insect was contorting his insides and Jay wondered whether it was possible to die from the sensation. Some of his workmates gave him the odd look but their case was too important for them to waste time with someone as worthless as him. 

The case in question involved a series of robberies in the area, with three dead already. Seemingly it was drug busts gone wrong, all the vic’s had previous charges and in the limited camera footage they could see an exchange happening before the shootings occurred. They were getting ready to head out in search of their main suspect, Christopher Davidson, as soon as the address was confirmed.

Jay didn’t know whether he had the energy to be able to manage it, but he knew he would have to find it. When Alvin got back up the stairs, he silently gathered his belongings and the team set off. 

The journey was a silent one. Hailey seemed to sense that he wasn’t in the mood to talk, something Jay was very grateful for. He didn’t understand how he could care about someone and enjoy being with them, and yet somehow it was too hard to manage. He didn’t even look forward to seeing her anymore. Just another thing that his brain had stolen from him it seemed. 

Tyres screeched to a halt on the stony ground and the thumping of footsteps echoed in the car park as everyone got ready. The apartment was only three floors up so they needed to act fast. Voight gave a signal for Kim and Adam to cover the fire escape as the rest of the team headed for the door. They were just outside when Voight grabbed Jay’s arm. 

He jumped slightly at the unexpected touch and looked at his sergeant questioningly. The older man shook his head slightly.  
“Stay out here and keep an eye out. Don’t think I haven’t noticed you’re unfocused today, get your head on straight.” He was gone before Jay could even make a complaint, so he stood there stunned for a moment. His own boss thought he was incompetent, wonderful. 

He could faintly hear the rest of the team clearing the room, and kept his senses on high alert. He may not enjoy being kept out of the team but damn if he wouldn’t do what he needed to keep them safe. A shadow flickered across the corner of his eye and grabbed his attention. Turning, he made direct eye contact with Christopher at the end of the hall. 

With a quick shout to the others over the radio, Jay was set in motion. The adrenaline was a delightful change, the thrill of the chase temporarily overpowering all other sensation. 

Christopher was fast, you had to give him that. He whipped up the stairs, seemingly heading toward the roof. Jay sprinted after him, three steps at a time, until he burst out the door after the perp. Blood thundered in his ears as he rounded the corner and was, with a well timed leap, able to tackle Christopher to the ground. 

The man was larger than him, and as he writhed wildly on the floor Jay wondered whether he would be able to keep hold until the rest of the team arrived. A broad hand caught him across the face, and he was taken aback by the white hot pain and taste of blood from his lip. A leg caught him on the back of the knee and his attempt to get a better vantage was thwarted. Rebalancing himself he tucked his legs underneath him and was able to get a hold of one of the man's arms. 

Before he could get hold of the other, a glint of silver caught the light. Knife, Jay’s brain helpfully supplied. Thinking fast he was just able to stop the blade from catching him, grabbing the wrist of the hand holding it. Having lost his grip on the other arm, Christopher slipped free and was able to get another punch off on his neck. 

Gasping for air, Jay was easily flipped onto his back. He thanked his ranger training for being able to slap the knife to the side so that it lodged in his right shoulder rather than his heart. He let out a grunt of pain but the adrenaline was too strong for the injury to fully register. The knife was pulled out as swiftly as it had gone in, and was redirected at his chest once more.

Time seemed to freeze, and an awful thought came into Jay’s head. He could always give up. It's not like anyone would know any better, they would think that he was overpowered and killed on the job. It's like the thought dissipated any other considerations, the consequences were just a distant memory. 

Jay lapsed for just a moment, and that moment was enough. Cold steel sank into his neck, and Jay almost screamed. The dreadful sensation of blood flooding his throat made him gag, and he was faintly aware of it dribbling out of his mouth. The sharpness of it was ferocious, and the odd sensation of air in places it shouldn’t be was equally confusing and horrifying. Jay wasn’t sure whether he had actually given up or if he had truly been overpowered. 

The dark shape above him was gone suddenly, and replaced by a much better looking face.   
“Jay? Jay can you hear me?” Hailey sounded panicked and strained. Jay tried to respond but, whilst the knife was gone, he couldn’t seem to get the words out. 

Wetness travelled across his chest and around his back. Jay tried to move away from the unpleasant sensation but firm hands held him still. Jay could make out the face of Adam before the lightheadedness kicked in. Distractedly he wondered how much blood he had lost. His neck felt raw and wet, but the pain was a little less there. 

“I need an ambo rolled out to my location, man down, two stab wounds to the neck and the chest.” Jay rolled his eyes to the side. He couldn’t see Christopher anymore but a few dark shadows indicated they weren't alone. Jay wondered exactly who was here watching. 

Ideally, this all would have happened so quickly that nobody had a chance to get there in time, it would have been over in an instant. He couldn’t even die right could he? Who knows how guilty the team would feel about this, and all because of him. 

Jay was dimly aware of the sound of his own breathing. He was making an ugly choking noise, and he was slightly embarrassed that he couldn’t control it. People were speaking but the words were making very little sense, and he couldn’t see who was putting that pressure on his neck through his blurred vision. He could feel a tempting darkness starting to tug gently at his fleeting consciousness. 

Jay considered briefly that perhaps this was a mistake. It was like the overwhelming realisation about what would happen to his friends if he died hit him all at once. In an instant he tried to speak through numb lips but his voice was caught in his throat again. 

The darkness was much more forceful now, stealing his senses one at a time. It all moved very quickly as an overpowering feeling of lightheadedness threw him for a loop, and knocked all the thoughts from his head. He felt very tired.

The darkness gave a final yank and he was gone. 

\--- ---

Jay felt like he was floating. He couldn’t see or hear or feel anything, perhaps he wasn’t there at all. He thought there might be some faint voices coming from somewhere but his thoughts were all twisted. Where did he put the rest of his body, he would need it when he woke up. Concerned about that, he drifted off again. 

The next time he woke up he was slightly more aware. He wasn’t sure if awake was the right term, he didn’t think he was actually in the real world, but he could think a little better now. A bitter smell of antiseptic was all he could think of, and he wished he could move to get away from it. The darkness was still everywhere and in everything, and Jay thought that he felt awfully lonely. Deciding he didn’t particularly like this feeling, he let go. 

An irritating beeping noise was in the darkness when he came to again. Something was holding his hand, which was good because it meant he had found his hand. In fact he could feel quite a lot of his body which was fun. The smell of antiseptic was still there but it was less detectable under the scent of perfume. Someone was talking, and whilst he could hear the words he couldn’t get them to make sense. Perhaps it would be easier later. He sank back down. 

Finally, he was actually able to interact with his body. Someone was saying his name but Jay was distracted by being able to feel his fingers and… yes he might actually be moving them slightly. His hand was being held again and he tapped it as hard as he could. He wanted whoever it was to know he was there. 

“Halstead. Can you open your eyes for me?” Jay’s brain seemed to be going too slowly for him to connect the dots of who that was at the moment, but the voice seemed nice so he tried to obey. 

The light was piercing and Jay found himself flinching away, but thankfully it was gone after a few seconds. The rest of the room slowly came into focus, and he could vaguely make out a shape with ginger hair. 

“That’s it Jay, good job.” Jay still wasn’t sure where he was but when he tried to ask he was quickly hushed by the woman in a white coat. “Don't do that just yet Jay. Do you know where you are?” Remembering to not try and speak he shook his head as best he could. The woman nodded. “You’re in Chicago med, you were stabbed do you remember that?” Another shake. 

The woman seemed to be satisfied with these answers. A scratchy feeling was irritating his throat and he weakly reached for it, but a gentle hand stopped him. He still felt very tired so he gave up quite easily. He wondered why he couldn’t seem to get his body to do what he wanted. 

Deciding it was a bit too much right now, with his right hand he did his best to give a comforting pat to whoever was holding it but it came out as more of an awkward stroke. Shutting his eyes again, he was gone in an instant. 

When Jay woke up again, it was like all the parts of him had finally managed to click back into place. It was much faster this time, courtesy of a nightmare he couldn’t remember, his eyes snapping open and a frightened shout threatening to break through his mouth. 

A strong hand pressed down on his chest as Will pushed him back down into the mattress. The ginger man looked sympathetic, and, much to Jay’s surprise, there was a sadness to his expression.   
“Hey Jay, how are you feeling? Blink once for good twice for bad.”

Jay was slightly confused and concerned by that. He didn’t feel like he had a tube in his throat and he was pretty sure he had them enough times to know, but his neck did feel sore and rough. He reached a hand up and this time nobody stopped him. 

The scratchy sensation of bandages brushed against the tips of his fingers, continuing around the entirety of his neck like a collar. His right arm was aching ever so slightly, and he recalled that he had been hit in the shoulder as well. Aside from that though, he actually felt alright. 

He blinked twice.

Will looked relieved.   
“Ok that's good, well done Jay.” Jay tried to speak but couldn’t make a sound before the pain got too intense. He was left swallowing uncomfortably against the burning sensation. Will gave him a glare. “I told you not to speak. You got stabbed in the shoulder and the neck. Your arm is fine, didn’t hit anything vital and no structural damage, you got lucky. The neck wound clipped one of the main arteries in your neck, it went through to the trachea.”

Jay must have looked pretty alarmed, so Will kept talking. “We were able to repair most of the damage, you needed several blood transfusions and you were in the ICU for the last day but you pulled through.” Jay vaguely gestured to his throat and mouth, hoping Will understood what he was trying to ask. Will dropped his eyes slightly. “You should be able to talk again,, we need some of the swelling to go down and we can get a better idea from there.” He placed a comforting hand on Jay’s. “We aren't going to give up.”

Just like that, whatever had been keeping Jay protected from the feelings he had so desperately tried to leave behind was gone. It was like a weight had been dropped on him. Will was still talking about potential outcomes but Jay couldn’t bring himself to focus or even make eye contact with his brother. The memory of exactly what had happened, what he had let happen, was creeping back in. 

Eventually, Will lapsed into silence. Jay wondered how much he knew, whether he had been able to figure it out. He hoped not, his brother didn’t deserve that. He didn’t deserve this… failure for a brother. Will finally spoke again. 

“You aren't going to push me away Jay, not again. You don’t have to ta- explain anything right now, but we are going to talk about this.” His voice was low and sad, and Jay felt even more guilty if that was possible. He didn’t dare make eye contact, he didn’t think he could. “Get some rest, Jay. I’m going to let the other’s know that you’re awake but I can see you need some time. Just… don’t forget that we are here for you.” The ginger man left. 

Jay didn’t move for a long time after that, aside from minute shifts when the discomfort got too bad. When he wasn’t trying to talk or swallow or move too much the pain was manageable, he presumed he had some pretty intense painkillers to thank for that. The beeping of the heart monitor faded into background noise eventually, and he was glad to realise he must have adjusted to the scent of antiseptic. 

He wasn’t really thinking of anything. He knew he felt bad though, and he wished that the feeling would go away. He wished he could have some kind of blood clot or heart attack so that he wouldn’t have to face the world. 

He wasn’t sure whether Will had actually figured it out. Jay knew that his brother was smart, smarter than he was at least, there's no way he wouldn’t have noticed that Jay was doing worse. Ever since one of those drunk late night talks between them Will found out about his dances with depression in the past. He hadn't been able to talk to anyone about that since Mouse, but Mouse wasn't here right now. 

Then he thought about Hailey and the rest of the team. They probably would have noticed too, except for maybe Adam. Adam may be a smart and intuitive man but he had absolutely no common sense, Jay could probably say “I am depressed” to his face and wouldn’t get a response. Platt would definitely know by now, she knew everything. 

A quiet knock on the door. Jay watched mutely as Hailey slipped through the door.   
“Hey buddy.” Her voice was hushed, and it didn’t take a detective to realise that she probably wasn’t meant to be here right now. She made her way over to the chair next to his bed, and took his hand. “I’m meant to be letting you get some rest but I thought you probably wouldn’t be asleep. I needed to see for myself.” Jay couldn’t respond so he tried to blink as kindly as he could. It was almost a relief that he didn’t need to talk, nobody would expect anything from him for a while. 

With alarm Jay realised Hailey’s blue eyes were filled with tears. “I thought you were going to die.” Her lip trembled and she couldn’t continue. With all the energy he had, Jay closed his hand around hers. ‘Im here.’

Within a few seconds Hailey was able to collect herself. Jay had always admired that in her.

“Davidson’s dead. He resisted arrest and tried to stab Adam so Voight shot him.” She must have seen the guilt in Jay’s eyes. “It’s not your fault Jay, he was off his head and would have killed anyone to get away.” Jay still felt bad, if he hadn’t been stabbed maybe they could have saved him. 

He still couldn’t quite figure out whether it had been intentional or not, and Hailey seemed to be wondering the same thing. 

“Jay, Will told me that you’ve been feeling a bit down at the moment.” Jay was panicking internally but he was able to keep his face static. He had been in the army, he wasn’t allowed to feel ‘down’. 

“Did you… did you let this happen? Maybe not even intentionally but… when I got up the stairs I saw you and you just looked so okay with it.” Jay’s mouth went dry and he didn’t know what to do, so he just shrugged. Hailey looked teary, and Jay imagined he might look the same. 

“I’m so sorry.” This took him by surprise, and he gave her a questioning look. “I knew you were struggling but I didn't do anything. I let you get to this,” she gestured to the bandages. Jay’s chest hurt, and he shook his head frantically. This wasn’t her fault, sure he sometimes wished that someone could have helped him, but he wasn’t letting anyone in. There was nothing she could have done, he wouldn’t have accepted it. 

Hailey smiled faintly, not reaching her eyes. She gripped his hand more firmly. “Look, I think that Voight knows that something is going on. You’re going to have to talk to him, but I don’t think he will let you stay on the team if he thinks you are going to get yourself killed.” She said it very matter-of-factly. 

Jay had wondered about what would happen in terms of that. A part of him felt a sick joy at the idea of having no responsibilities but then he remembered that he would probably end up homeless if he lost this job. Who would accept him after that? 

The idea of being rejected from the team like that was worse than any physical pain, but he could understand why Voight was worried. It had been the same in the army, Mouse and himself had been given honourable discharges after all for being “distracted.” Voight wasn’t so much the type to deny responsibility but he would do what he must to keep his family safe. 

Then again, Voight had put himself in danger to help Antonio. Jay dismissed the thought, Antonio was a better man than he was, he actually deserved to be helped. After what had just happened, it wouldn’t be long before everyone saw him for what he was. 

Hailey still looked very distressed. Jay squeezed her hand again, trying to say that it was alright, that he understood. 

“I will back you up Jay, I will say whatever you need me to say. But you have to promise me that once you are doing better you will get help.” She sounded determined. It was at moments like this that Jay felt like he could truly appreciate how stunning she was, with that fire behind her eyes and genuine compassion in her expression. 

The idea of getting help wasn’t an easy one. Jay wondered why she was so willing to do this for him, why she would help him even if it put her at risk. He certainly appreciated it. 

The brunet made a gesture of a pen and paper, and Hailey’s face glowed for a moment. She pulled out her notepad and a pen and handed it to him. 

***“Why would you lie for me?”***

Hailey hesitated for a moment.   
“You would do the same for me, and I know that you would never put any of us at harm if you could do anything about it. The department wouldn’t see it the same way, they think that anything like this makes you incompetent and dangerous, but I know that you can do this. You are a good person Jay, I am not going to leave you to the wolves.” Jay felt tears pricking at his eyes again. 

Unable to find the words, Jay just blinked appreciatively at her, and to his relief she seemed to understand. A bone weary tiredness was starting to pull at him, threatening to drag him under again. He stifled a yawn. 

“Go to sleep Jay, I’ll be here when you wake up. We can talk about it then, we will figure it out.” She gave him a gentle pat on the uninjured shoulder. Jay leaned into the touch without meaning to. She left the room to give him some privacy, and Jay was touched that she remembered that he preferred to go to sleep without company. 

Before he drifted off, he thought about all that had happened. The weight was still there, but its claws seemed to be ever so slightly shorter this time. He would have to have some pretty difficult discussions, but he knew that Hailey would be there for him no matter what. They were partners even after all this. He wasn’t alone. Maybe he could send a message to Mouse, it had been a while but they never had to worry about being apart from each other. 

Comforted, he closed his eyes and let his mind wander. He would make it through this, he always did.

**Author's Note:**

> It's to you whether you think Jay did or did not allow himself to be stabbed.


End file.
